Written
By: Anne Semans
I
was nineteen when I took my first spin with
a vibrator. I was spending the summer with
a friend and she kept her beloved electric
vibrator lying by her bed. One day after she
went out my curiosity got the better of me
and, after giving the toy a quick sponge bath,
I turned it on and pressed it against my clitoris.
Nothing could have prepared me for the delicious
and totally unexpected sensations that traveled
through my clit, not to mention the powerful
orgasm that rippled clear through to my toes.
Needless to say, I made up a lot of excuses
to stay indoors that summer, and enjoyed some
of the best orgasms of my life.
I
tell that story because it illustrates the
benefits and the beauty of simple erotic exploration.
The benefits are innumerable: I discovered
a whole new level of sexual awareness, I gained
sexual self-esteem, and I knew this toy would
be as faithful (or more) to me as any future
lover. And the beauty part: I was able to
embrace sex toys instantly because I'd experienced
them myself in such a positive way. My knowledge
of sex was so limited at nineteen that I was
totally unaware of any myths or stereotypes
about sex toys; my success was due entirely
to a "try it, you might like it"
approach.
I've
spent twenty years inviting people to do the
same thing: Just try sex toys, maybe you'll
like them. In my conversations, I've encountered
all kinds of myths about sex toys that I never
knew existed. I'll share the more popular
ones with you here—perhaps you'll see
that they're mostly smoke screens designed
to hide feelings of embarrassment, fear or
discomfort. Trying anything new involves risk,
but if you like what you discover, the benefits
make it all worthwhile. Sex toys can open
up new vistas of pleasure—who needs a
better incentive than that?
Top
Ten Myths about Sex Toys:
1. They're only for people whose sex lives
need help.
The fact that sex toys have been referred
to as "marital aids" and "sexual
aids" for so long has done much to further
this myth. The word "aid" implies
that you should only use one of these toys
if you need to fix something that's broken.
But a woman who finds that a vibrator helps
her orgasm more easily is not broken, nor
is a man who discovers that a cock ring helps
his erection last longer. Individual sexual
response falls on a vast continuum, and it
fluctuates over one's lifetime. If we measured
sexual performance against one single "ideal,"
we'd all end up "broken" at some
time in our lives, and who needs to walk around
under that cloud? I've always been a fan of
the term "sex toy" because it reminds
me not to take sex too seriously—it's
hard not to smile when there's a butterfly
vibrating one's clitoris. Sex is unpredictable,
exciting, elusive, messy and playful, and
sex toys make a natural addition to this wonderful
mix.
2.
Sex toys are unnatural
This stems from the belief that proper sex
should involve only the equipment that you
were born with. If you're strict about this,
sex is bound to get a little boring. Forget
the sexy lingerie, the romantic movie, the
candlelight, the satin sheets, or the massage
oil. All these things contribute to our experience
of sex and are no more "natural"
than sex toys, yet most folks don't have a
problem with them. Take a tip from our ancestors
who fashioned dildos out of stone or wood
if you want something organic. Or just lighten
up! I'm not suggesting you play with bio-engineered
corn for heaven's sake.
3.
I'll get addicted
Women worried about becoming dependant on
vibrators typically mention this one. I've
always found it amusing because if vibrators
really were that addictive, then society would
surely grind to a halt (or the power outages
would be worse), while the millions of women
who already own vibrators spent all their
time at home jerking off. There is no physiological
basis for vibrator addiction; the real issue
seems to be a fear of indulging oneself in
sexual pleasure. The saying goes, "If
I try this vibrator I'll like it so much I
won't be able to come any other way."
But substitute the word "vibrator"
in that sentence with your favorite food:
"If I try Fudge Brownie Ice Cream, I'm
afraid I'll like it so much I won't want to
eat any other food." Or your favorite
hobby: "I'm afraid if I bike to work
I won't ever want to ride in my car again."
It doesn't hold quite the same charge, does
it? I think it's the sex part of the equation
that gives us pause; the sense that we aren't
entitled to that much sexual satisfaction.
Pleasure is a good thing, and if your vibrator
brings you that much pleasure, buzz away I
say. There's no law that says you have to
use your hand, a penis, or a tongue. Sure,
it's fun to enjoy a range of sensations, but
you can still do that and have your vibrator
orgasms too!
Because
vibrators enable women to come easily, they
can be habit-forming. I'm not saying that's
a bad thing—quite the opposite. But if
you feel like your vibrator use is detracting
from your experience of other kinds of sexual
stimulation, all you need to do is stop using
it for awhile, and you'll get accustomed to
your hand again (or a lover's tongue, etc.).
4.
I'm worried that the toys will replace my
partner (or replace me in my partner's affections).
This is a close cousin to the addiction concern,
in that it expresses a fear that sex toy orgasms
are so powerful that you'll never want to
have sex any other way. But when you stop
to think about it logically, what vibrator
can cuddle up to you at night, caress your
back just the way you like, or kiss you so
deeply it sends chills down your spine?
5.
Only single people should use sex toys.
The great thing about sex toys is that they
add options to partner sex play—that
back caress may feel even better when you
follow it with the light touch of a feather,
and that kiss may resonate even more deeply
if your partner's hands are bound to the bed
posts. Sex toys do fill in nicely when you
are single, or when you do have a partner
and he or she just isn't in the mood. Isn't
it nice to have options?
6.
If I use an ______ people will think I'm an
_____.
"If I use a butt plug, people will think
I'm gay." Or "If I like dildos,
then I must be a lesbian." "If I
want to tie my partner up, I must be a dominatrix."
Oh my, these are just wacky assumptions about
sexuality. One thing I learned working at
a sex toy store is that all kinds of people
have all kinds of sexual tastes, and they
absolutely cannot be neatly compartmentalized
based on sexual orientation. Sure lots of
lesbians like dildos, but so does the woman
who wants to have a dildo in her vagina while
her husband anally penetrates her. Not all
gay men like anal sex, just as not all heterosexual
women like giving blow jobs. Your desire to
try out a pair of wrist restraints doesn't
mean you're headed for a career in SM, it
just means you have a healthy sexual inquisitiveness!
Your sexual identity defines who you are,
not your sexual practices. So quit worrying
what the Jones's might think, and just do
what feels good!
7.
Sex toys are all made by sleazy men who have
no idea about women's pleasure.
For many years the sex toy industry made its
fortune preying off people's ignorance and
shame around sex. Poorly made generic toys
rolled off the assembly line and were packaged
up for sale at the local adult store. Since
no one would admit patronizing Al's XXX Love
Shack, it's hardly surprising no one complained
to the Better Business Bureau. Hubby might've
purchased a vibrator for his wife on his last
business trip, but it wasn't like he was about
to return it if she didn't like it.
Thank
god times are a changin'. Thanks to feminism,
the sexual revolution, and the anonymity offered
by mail order catalogs and web sites, women
now comprise a much higher portion of the
market, so toy makers are starting to pay
attention to what women really want (as opposed
to what men always thought we wanted).
Women
wanted stronger vibrations on their clits,
and the invention of the microchip yielded
a crop of tinier and mightier toys, as seen
in our category called "technology breakthroughs"
. Women said "yuck!" to sticky,
smelly, plastic dildos, so the industry answered
with the invention of toys made from colorful
jelly , cyberskin, and silicone.
8.
They all look the same.
Say vibrator to most people and what they
think of is the standard 7", penis-like
rubber toy that dominated the scene for years.
But a trip to an online store like Libida.com
will clear up that misconception immediately.
Want a vibrator that looks like a dolphin
? A cock ring that looks like a bolo tie?
A penis sleeve that looks like a flashlight
? A vibrator to match your iMac?
9. I'd never be able to walk into an X-rated
book store to buy a sex toy.
And you no longer have to. Thanks to the Internet,
detailed product information, pictures, and
articles about how to use these toys are just
a click away. And reputable companies like
Libida.com offer generous return policies
and privacy protections so all you have to
worry about is whether you picked the right
color.
10.
Only raincoat wearing perverts buy sex toys.
This may be the image the media likes to project
of sex toy buyers, but the fact that US consumers
spent over $1 billion dollars on sex toys
alone last year suggests that either we're
all perverts or there's more to this stereotype
than meets the eye. Chances are, if you buy
sex toys today, you'll have something in common
with your neighbor, the parent at the PTA
meeting, or the girl, like me, who discovered
their sweet charms one lazy summer.
Anne Semans is the co-author of The Mother's
Guide to Sex,
The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, and
The Woman's Guide to Sex on the Web.
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